?

Log in

The Cameron Syndrome....

Whoever said stopping something and starting it again a few months later is like "riding a bike" was wrong. I haven't looked at this thing in months and though I have had so much going on, I haven't had any desire to get it out and write. I miss what writing used to do for me but at the same time I think I almost miss being so out of sorts that I had a lot to say. Lately I feel boring, as though everything and everyone(including myself) is just sort of coasting and waiting to see what happens next. 2009 is off to a rocky start, but my most recent years have me remembering January as an off the axis sort of month. If all goes according to the big plan, February should be something of a wash. Nothing much to report but thankfully nothing to cry about either. I am proud to say that 2008 didn't have much crying in it, and when I did cry it was happy reasons. I'm not sure yet if 2009 will bode the same but parts of me would like it to. Only because I spent so much time in the past just wallowing in the deep end of a pool that I had no intention of getting out of that I still fear the water. I guess the big news is that what I though was the one guarantee in my life is no longer in my life, at least for now. It's funny(albeit sad) watching something you put so much emphasis and enthusiasm into become a chore. It started to feel like I was working at caring instead of just caring because I actually did. In part I wanted the messy break up because it would make it easier to justify. Then again having the break up because there is no other way to fix the situation leaves the option of being friends on the table. I know I'm mature enough to keep him in my life but he's not so sure he can handle me in his. True colors come out in a break up and you start seeing the cracks in people and in yourself that you were so used to covering up that you forgot they were even there. You notice the patterns you started to form around this person and all this space you have to fill up or you'll go crazy. I'm only a few days into this thing and I have already started monotonous tasks just to keep myself sane. The odd part is that it's not because I'm afraid of breaking down, its because of giving in and going back. If I took a look at my situation and noticed all this free time, it would make me livid at myself for making this person such an integral part of my everyday. I became the dependent person I disdain and it's a hard pill to swallow. Maybe I'm masking my grief with self pity and loathing, but so far its working for me.

Speaking of all that free time, I've been watching a lot of movies to put myself to sleep and a few days ago Ferris Bueller was what fell out of my DVD case. In looking back at some previous entries I noticed that I compared myself to Ferris's best friend Cameron. Watching the movie again made me realize how on the money I was. I may not be as depressed as him, but part of me is just waiting for something big to happen and it never does. I don't have a Ferrari to destroy but there are pieces of my life that I would just love to toss out a window without fear of consequences. I watch everyone in my life pair off, make friends, do drastic things and I seem to always be on the bench. I've talked about this with myself and with others at length but for some reason I can't find the motivation to get up yet. Some might say my life is passing me by, others might say its not my time but me, I say its simply because I don't want too. I'm not reckless, I'm not interested in having the typical good time and frankly most relationships bore me to death. That boredom is probably why I'm no longer in my relationship because it wasn't exciting anymore. I have different goals then when I started it, I've grown up a lot in two years and I want someone to grow up with me. I never thought I was going to have date a lot of people, I was hoping the first person would be it and in many respects he is. Like Cameron, I am doomed to be with whomever pays attention to me first and part of me is ok with that fate. I don't have the patience or the drive or the charisma to be dating again or bothering with people and their games. It's like this, we all know what happens to the Titanic so most of us wouldn't get on the boat if it was docked somewhere. I would. I would get on that boat in bliss just thinking about some obsessive detail like a clock that I wanted to see in person. I would risk my life and die for a clock or some other small minute, unimportant thing. I don't look at the big picture in my relationships and I need to start. I need to see the sinking ship and run the other way instead of toward it. I'm ready to take a step back from dating for at least a year only because you can't put a jaded heart out there and expect people to bite. I'm far too over guys, relationships and the whole charade to bother right now. I know, can play and probably beat you at every game you're going to throw at me so why bother? I've met every guy in the book and frankly I don't especially like any of them. Some people aren't meant to be with other people for one reason or another. I think I am one of those people but the difference is that I'm finally ok with that.

Square One.......

Sometimes I get the feeling that I have a split personality. There is one side of me that I love being, and it seems everyone loves being around, but then there is this other side the "evil twin", that makes everyone in my life turn and run. Actually thats an exaggeration, it just makes three people, one of whom is very important, turn and run. I'm completely aware of the fact that as humans we are all multifaceted and made up of many traits, but what I'm having trouble grasping is if those sides are the deal breakers in what takes people in and out of your life. I've always known I wasn't typical, but at the same wasn't eccentric. There has always been this part of me that is bitter, vengeful, and anal retentive, but the people in my life who love me and accept me never see that side. It's not because I don't feel like bringing her out sometimes, its because I don't need to bring her out. They hear me and most importantly, they listen. They are interested in my life and what I have to say about it, and even when I am getting a little crazy they know exactly what to do to bring me back to earth. I have never turned a blind eye to my flaws and I have strong enough sense of self to be put in my place, and respect the people who put me there because it shows they care about me, but sometimes you are who you are, and no matter what drugs you take, what therapist you see or what soul searching you do, you will be YOU. I don't think we were put here to become a nation of people in a anti-depressant haze. No, I'm not saying all prescription drugs should be banned, but I am saying that being who we are, faults and all is not a death sentence or a "coma-sentence". I find myself wondering what it would be like to be on medication, and there are moments recently when I really feel like I need some, but then I realize that I want to be authentic. My life thus far has been a struggle to be myself and own myself. I never feel as though I am doing me, my personality, justice. There is always some person or something in my life making me change and tone myself down, and I do it because I have too and at the time want too. Lately though that desire to please, change, and find the new me, is no longer there. I've come too far and I'm getting too old to keep playing the "find yourself" game. Ever since I can remember I have felt like Peter Pan chasing my shadow around a room, it wants to have fun and be full of life, but I keep trying to tie it down. My shadow is winning lately, and I have never felt more free. Of course I still want acceptance from the people who keep pushing me away, but I don't know if I will ever get there. What I do know is that I am not nearly as afraid to be me anymore, whether you like it or not. My goal isn't to offend anyone or hurt anyone, but instead to just let me be me and I'll let you be you. I don't ask anyone in my life to climb into a box of my ideals and live there, so please stop asking, or rather demanding that I get into yours.

Looking Back, She Just Laughs..........

Tomorrow will mark the official, two months since I lasted posted date. That sort of unnerves because it either means that a) things are going too well that I have nothing to cathart or b) that I am just too overwhelmed and busy most days to even think about typing out something meaningful. Both options scare me, but in different ways.

To address option A, its not true. Things JUST got easier but for a solid month, my life was falling apart. It's funny how much you really live, when everything you live for is starting to slip away. Sadness, anger...basically all the shitty emotions make you feel so alive, where as every day happiness sorta just gets you through your day. I'm not saying that I like feeling pain, but I'm a firm believer that it makes you stronger in the end. If I hadn't gone through what I did, and tested my relationship like I did, I wouldn't be nearly as comfortable with everything as I am now. Sometimes we need people to take us to our extremes, push us to our absolute low, and let them and at the same time let ourselves be picked back up again.

As for option B, the being busy part. Its absolutely true. I am busy with school, work and the norms that society dictates but I am also busy living and loving. I'm taking less time to focus on things like this, and focus on the tangibles in my life. I am more determined than ever lately to make things good, and keep my happiness. Before I was so frugal, and was just waiting for it to get taken away, it did go away and I couldn't go on any longer. I finally know what its like to feel an emotion completely leave you, and I don't ever want to go back there again. Waking up is hard, uncomfortable, and the snooze button is blessing, but you can only push that thing so many times and for so many years before you wear it out. I wore mine out, completely, and frankly I'm a better person without it.

......